One of the most significant discoveries in my own personal development has been developing the practice of letting go. It has created new space for peace, contentment, and creativity to flourish.
It’s hard to overstate just how much energy we invest in wanting to change situations and people we encounter. From social media to our neighbors, to family members, we think we know how others should act and how things should be. We feel tense, disappointed, frustrated and even angry when circumstances and people don’t cooperate with our desires. We then compound the issue as we strive to get others to conform to our wishes or stew because they don’t. It’s all an effort in futility, and yet we persist.
I know that’s been true for me at times. However, the invitation is always open for us to choose a different path. That path is through the art and practice of letting go. That is, letting go of anything and everything that no longer serves us by holding on to it. Releasing the things we don’t control but try to anyway. It’s easier said than done, but I offer the following tips to help you let go of the things you may be holding on to, so that you can make room in your life for peace, contentment, and joy!
- Begin to observe yourself and notice when you are getting upset or judging people for how they act.
- Be honest with yourself about what you can control. It’s a short list:
- Your attitude
- Your behavior
- Your conscious beliefs
That’s it. As much as we would like to control these things in others, we don’t. But you do control your attitude and behavior in all circumstances regardless of how those around you are acting.
- Cultivate ontological humility. Ontological humility is the understanding and acceptance that each of us sees the world the way we see it. When embodied, ontological humility allows space and grace for others to hold their own views and beliefs without us needing to change or correct them. When we give this space to others, we gain equal or greater space for ourselves.
- *Foster the skill of allowing. Allowing is simply giving implicit permission to others to think, believe, and act in whatever way they will. Allowing is not the same as agreeing with them and is not a threat to your principles, morals, or beliefs. It’s merely actively acknowledging what is already true: you don’t control them. (*Please understand the context and nuance here. Allowing is NOT turning a blind eye in the midst of violence, injustice or other situations where immediate intervention is required.)
- Let Go. Each of the first four action steps plays a role in letting go. However, this final act is somatic in nature. That is, it requires participation from your physical body. To complete the process of letting go, experiment with this practice:
- Get in a comfortable position.
- Take three long deep breaths to center yourself.
- With the first exhale, consciously relax your body as you acknowledge and accept that you do not control the person or situation.
- With the second exhale, consciously allow the person or circumstance to be just as it is.
- With the third exhale, imagine the palms of your hands and bottom of your feet are drains. As you exhale, open these drains let the tension and any need for things to be different, flow through and then exit your body.
- Repeat this last step as often as necessary until you can feel your muscles relax and other areas of contraction in your body, dissipate.
As you play with these steps, consider the ideas of letting go, allowing, and noticing. What thoughts come up for you. Can you see the value? Where do you notice resistance? What seems to be at risk for you in letting go? How might your life or the lives of those you love be different as you develop the art and practice of letting go?
As you integrate this practice, I welcome your comments or stories. I can be reached at keith@voyagercoachconsult.com