A number of years ago I was going through a difficult time in my life where my soul was asking more of me. I’ll save the details for another time but it was not a pleasant experience. It was a lonely season and I felt disconnected from everyone and everything that I believed to be true about the nature of our purpose and existence in this world.
I refer to that four-year period in my life as the silent years. It was a true wilderness experience. I was earnestly searching and listening for hope and direction for my life, my work, my impact, and my identity and for four years I found only emptiness, dead ends, and silence.
Silence that is, except for the platitudes. Platitudes on continuous replay, mostly in my own head all the things I used to hear, think, and believe to be true.
A few that stand out today even after all these years:
- “When God closes a door, he opens a window.”
- “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
- “Good things come to those who wait.”
- “It’s always darkest just before the dawn.”
- And of course, “Everything happens for a reason!”
I know, there may be times when platitudes are useful. They smooth our social interactions and instill a measure of comfort due to their familiarity.
Yet how often is the comfort we seek our own? And this comfort comes at a cost – the cost of authentic human connection. When we offer platitudes we take a pass on an opportunity to stand with another in their pain. We give up the chance to hold space for them and walk with them in their season of suffering, confusion, or questioning.
So, what’s the alternative? I invite you to consider the following approach:
- Notice and acknowledge any discomfort you feel in the situation.
- Ground yourself in your sincere intention to stand with this person in caring, authentic connection.
- Say what is true for you.
Here are some examples of things you might say, but if you follow the approach above, whatever you come up with will likely be perfect.
- “I can see this is hard.”
- “I care about how this feels.”
- “If, and when you want to talk about your experience, I’m available to listen.”
If you’ve benefitted from another’s skill at cultivating connection during a difficult time in your life, I’d love to hear from you; What did you appreciate? What was it about the other person’s actions or approach that you found most meaningful/helpful?
Here are a few additional questions for your reflection.
- Did anything here surprise, sadden, or encourage you?
- What thoughts or insights came up for you as you read this piece?
- Where did you notice resistance or agreement?
I’d love to hear your thoughts or comments. I can be reached at keith@voyagercoachconsult.com.